Don't Call it a Comeback

Okay, so I haven't written much in months - or at all for that matter. Forgive me, I've been busy and haven't been very inspired. But, I have been writing on, and working for, the Craig Criteria so I haven't been entirely lazy. Speaking of the Criterion, I wanted to post my first article. It's a debate (against Mary Shaw, who is a complete fucking moron) about whether or not Sarah Palin should run for president. And instead of making this introduction any longer, here it is:

A Bridge to Nowhere

by Christian Pankow

While spending sleepless nights in the Hanoi Hilton, I assure you that John McCain had never entertained the idea of being more desperate. But when push came to shove, the dust had cleared, and that musky, leather-covered skeleton had removed all the proverbial aces from his campaign-sleeve, only Sarah Palin stood as his last hope. And desperate he was.

I hope for his sake that his rationalization to his advisors was, “Let’s snag the female vote with this surrogate woman; they won’t know the difference.” Any other justification for picking Sarah Palin as a running mate would lead one to question McCain’s mental stability.

Unlike rival Hillary Clinton, McCain’s choice of running-mate wasn’t well-educated, supremely classy or experienced in the highest levels of power—and she definitely didn’t own a comparable wardrobe of alluring power suits.

Palin did, however, own a well-deserved title as a “Christian Communist,” defined as a dictator-like figure that holds a political philosophy based on Christian ideals. Infamous for attempting to fire a popular town librarian and banning an assortment of “unfit” books, she added to her dictatorial reputation as governor when she ousted a Public Safety Commissioner who refused to fire a state trooper for divorcing Palin’s sister.

Cutting millions of dollars of funding from special needs children, opposing abortion even in cases of rape or incest—her ethics have always been in question—which may come as a bit of a shock when considering the holier-than-thou propaganda that cascades from her folksy, “Joe Six Pack” public persona.

Though it may not be necessary to add to her laundry list of blunders, it’s hard to talk about Palin without mentioning the kicker. The Gravina Island Bridge, often referred to as the "Bridge to Nowhere," was proposed to replace the ferry that currently connects the town of Ketchikan, Alaska with Gravina Island, home to an airport and 50 residents.

Being a hypocrite, Palin told the press otherwise, but it’s a fact that she signed off on the project. She was all for pouring millions of federal tax dollars into the pork barrel project, and even went as far as hoisting a pro-bridge t-shirt when she visited Ketchikan.

It wasn’t until the Republican Party began to use the Bridge to Nowhere as a negative example that she converted from pro-bridge to anti-pork. It’s no coincidence, but rather a testament to her shady character.

I can reach across the aisle and give credit where credit is due, though. She does have her impressive moments. For example, she has profound grace and poise in her struggle to appear a rung above George W. Bush on the public-speaking ladder.

And while it is easy and trendy to laugh at her, she does inject a certain entertainment value into the world of politics that nearly makes the Grand Old Party, well, a party again. Not to mention that she is admittedly a wonderful mother who teaches her children how to be safe, responsible adults.

So please don’t get me wrong: if modern day Republicans want to be represented by ‘aw shucks’ figures that care more about the size of their wallets than the good of their people, that is their prerogative. But if it were up to me, Sarah Palin would put her mucklucks back on, mosey on back to her village and shoot moose from her back porch with her husband Todd.

While they’re at it they might attend some more pro-Alaskan independence rallies. This might be considered penance for leaving Alaska in the lurch by resigning from the Governor’s office in mid-term, forsaking her beloved home state to promote a book which is mysteriously a best-seller before publication.

Not that there is anything wrong with outdoors types writing books or running for office—I just don’t find either a qualification for leading the free world, even if they can keep an eye on foreign neighbors from their back doors.

Simply put, we don’t need snow machines splashing mud on future presidential races. And the venerable McCain would surely roll over in his grave if Palin someday managed to attain the oval office that he so coveted.

I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think. I'll post my movie reviews (which is what my column is actually about) soon.